The Difference Between Approval and Appreciation

Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people are confused about the difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this.

Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon the other person performing in the way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that the other person will continue to do what we want as a result of the approval.

Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offer from a whole loving place within - what I call the loving Adult. It comes from the heart and is offered spontaneously as the heart wells up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with the essence of a person rather than with performance. We are appreciating a person's core Self, who they really are and the results of who they are, rather than what they do and their performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to the outcome, no expectation that the other should or will continue to perform. Appreciation is a true gift.

Often, when someone says they want appreciation or do not feel appreciated, what they are really seeking is approval. It is the wounded part of them who is not feeling seen and appreciated within - they are not seeing and appreciating themselves so they need it from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of the individual projects outward the inner need to be seen, understood and appreciated and pulls from others to get this need met. Whenever I hear someone say that they do not feel appreciated, I know that their essence - their Inner Child - is not being seen and loved by their own inner adult.

When we are giving ourselves the attention and appreciation that we need and we then receive appreciation from others, it feels wonderful but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When it becomes the cake itself, then we need to look within and recognize that we have handed over to others the job of defining and validating our own worth and lovability.

When you share something about yourself with the intent of getting approval, attention or appreciation, it doesn't feel like sharing to other people. Instead they feel pulled at to validate you. When you share something about yourself with the intent of offering something to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In this movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams, shares much personal information about himself with his client Will, an angry and resistant young man. He shared it, not because he wanted or needed anything back, but purely to help Will feel safe in opening to his own pain.

We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we offer positive feedback to others - is it a true gift or does it have strings attached? And we can challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when we share things about ourselves - are we giving or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting what we want from others feels good only for the moment, but is ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to always be trying to get from others what we need to be giving to ourselves.

Giving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving heart, with no need to get anything back, will always feel wonderful and energizing to us and to others.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Be A Champion Communicator by Becoming a Chameleon
Recently, I worked with a client who was having a problem with some of the women in her organization. The organization had just undergone major changes, which resulted in different reporting relationships for many of the women.
Think, Pause & Talk
There are two kinds of peoples we generally face in every walk of life1] who talks negative and excessive and2] who talks whenever required or talks right and right time.But in reality we get attracted towards person who talks negative and excessive, it gives us fun and tax-free entertainment and we get fascinated and influenced by such activities.
Addiction to Thinking
Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent.
Overcoming Work Addiction
Why are you so busy? Do you really have too much work? Is work so important to you that you'll sacrifice just about anything in your life to get the job done? Even if it's at the expense of your health and your relationships?If you find these questions disturbing then see how you rate with these ones: Do you work more than 50 hours a week?Do you dream about work?Do you feel that in order to succeed you must work late most of the time? Are you a stranger in your own home?Do you constantly miss family and social events because you're always working?Do you schedule and undertake more than you can get done in a 40-hour work week?Do you get bored when you're not working?Is missing family and social events because of work unavoidable?When on holiday do you constantly check your phone messages and email?Your ScoreThe greater the number of yes answers, the closer you are to fitting the profile of a workaholic. If you've answered yes to more than half of the questions, it's time to take stock before you lose your health, family and everything you hold near and dear to your heart.
How to Adopt a Losing Attitude
We have all heard the expression, "Where your heart is?, your treasure will be also." Allow me to modify this tried and true wisdom, to create an equally valid point: "Where your thoughts are, your hips will be also.
Lessons from Donald Trump and The Apprentice: A Career Coachs Perspective
What can we learn about careers from watching Donald Trump and The Apprentice?1. Recognize that job tests don't always correspond to job realities.
What I Would Include In A Coaching Book
A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and leadership to his/her team. In sports, coaches are sometimes evaluated on the number of wins they can produce.
The X-factor
Would you agree that today most of us have the same set of opportunities and the same set potential?If you agree with me, then perhaps you might like to consider this puzzling question: if we all have the same opportunities and potential why are some people more successful than others?It could be said that some people are more privileged than others, and while this is certainly true, you could argue that there is proof in every day life of people who started off with zero and went on to accumulate incredible wealth. It could be said that some people have better academic ability than others and while this is true you could argue the case of all the people who achieved success after years of under-achieving in education.
Your Past and Present Hold Key to Your Future
Knowing more about who you are will give you the insight for your future goals.Where are you going?This isn't about location.
Theres Always Enough Time!
I thought I'd begin this article by stimulating your mind with a little time trivia contest! Are you ready? Alright then, here goes?..
Communicating with Case Studies
Not long ago, I made a partnership pitch, on behalf of an organization I represent, to another organization with similar interests. If the idea had come to fruition, it would have radically changed our organization.
The Fastest Way to Ruin Yourself
I don't know many people who would admit to wanting to ruin themselves, but there are a lot of people who are doing everything they can to accomplish that very goal. They certainly don't see it that way, but if you look at the way they live, you can see it happening.
How to Jump-start Your Emotional Health
You've probably heard the expression: "It's not what you're eating. It's what's eating you!" This well-known saying reminds us that the thoughts we entertain can have an impact on our health.
Corporate Coaching and Employees: One Step Ahead
"Don't shoot..
What To Do? Lifes Big Question
We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in our life when big changes were underway. Often, we find ourselves feeling panic and frozen in time, possibly with indecision, waiting and wondering: Which way to go?; How will things turn out? Sometimes, you just don't know what to do.
Trust In The Moment, and Trust In Yourself
Do you often get yourself upset and feeling less than fully confident, as part of your preparation for facing a daunting challenge? You can improve your performance if you let your somatic intelligence lead the way."You move too much to be effective.
Do You Ever Give Up Coaching Employees?
In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees. We want to believe that we can eventually make a difference.
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, "You've got to lose weight," or "You should get up earlier every morning and exercise," or "Today I should get caught up on the bills," or "I've got to get rid of this clutter." Let's explore what happens in response to this voice.
Coaching: The Art of Putting Yourself In Somone Elses Shoes
COACHING STEPS: The following are five (5) steps a coach can take to change behavior and performance. The goal of this process is to create the context for the person being coached towards one in which excellence becomes the norm.
Make Progress Now: Take the Hand Brakes Off Your Life!
Do you find yourself striving upward in life yet making little or no progress?Are you high on activity but low on achievement?Very clearly, it's time to stop, look and listen.You're obviously not doing something right.