Do you know WHAT MAKES ME MAD?? It makes me SO MAD I just want to...

Sound familiar? If you want to manage anger, the only way of doing so is to listen to your self-talk. This doesn't mean listening to yourself talk. It means listening to your SELF-TALK.

It's quite true that anger is created from within. No matter how much you say-"She made me mad!" "It makes me so mad when?"-the anger comes from YOU, not it or she.

Our thoughts about "it" or "she" is actually where the anger comes from. And by changing our thinking we can change the way we feel (for example, instead of angry or enraged, annoyed or irritated..)

Doesn't it make sense, then, if anger is created from within that we have the power from within to keep from getting angry? The answer is a definitive YES.

By adjusting how you think about a situation, to listen your self-talk, is how you keep yourself from getting mad-period.

How? By listening for demands. What are demands? They're easy to spot. They tend to express themselves in words such as SHOULD, ought, must, have-to, need.

Depending upon the context and situation, when these words or thoughts are used they will create anger.

Whether you use them on someone or someone is using them on you, a sense of anger, rage or mad evolves from these words/thoughts of demand when things don't go your way.

There are numerous examples of how this is true, but here is a simple one that most everyone can relate to:

You're driving in rush-hour traffic, late to get home. Another driver cuts you off, almost hitting you, so he can run a yellow light that actually is quite red by the time he runs it-leaving you stopped at the light and cursing the driver as he speeds away.

Your immediate thoughts are: "What an idiot! People like that shouldn't be allowed to drive!! He's an accident waiting to happen. They ought to lock him up!!"

The word -should- creates anger because of its demanding nature. Simply stated, the situation is history. Yet, by saying it shouldn't happen you're demanding that reality not exist as it does, lousy as it may seem. Bottom line: it happened as it should based upon all the events that led up to it happening.

Instead if you approach the situation without demands then your reaction will change appropriately. You may wish he didn't drive that way, you may prefer it, but he's driving that way?so don't deny the reality of it!

It may be illegal, but it's his choice to drive that way. You'd feel much better to accept it and not demand anything to the contrary.

This works for anything in life. When you "should on somebody" you're creating anger for yourself (or them) when it is totally un-necessary.

When you knock off the demands, shoulds and oughts, you'll notice a difference. It would be nice if things always went the way you want them to go, but that isn't reality, so become more tolerant by listening to your own thoughts and you'll start to see anger withering away.

Dr. David L. Thomas, LMHC

About The Author

Dr. Thomas is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with a practice in Tampa, FL. He has been counseling people to feel better for over 21 years. This article is posted at www.stressgroup.com. He is also the co-author of Quit Smoking-Be Happy!-see www.quitsmoking-behappy.com to learn more.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

The American Dream - Are We Really Free?
The promises of THE AMERICAN DREAM (to have it all and enjoy it all, based on materialistic values system) has been holding us captive and threatening to take our power and freedom away- without our awareness, like a thief in the night.Consciously or unconsciously we make daily decisions to either be a master of our own ship or destiny, if you will, or be a slave to our own circumstances and to other people*s expectations and belief systems that don*t serve our highest good and purpose.
Our Perception Determines Our Experience
Not long ago, I traveled back east to Ohio and Chicago. While I was there, I was amazed that the friends I made along my journey seemed to have completely different observations of the state in which they lived.
Creating An Effective Toolbox For Success
WHAT'S IN YOUR TOOLBOX?Think tools are just for builders and construction workers? Think again!Everyone needs a well stocked toolbox.Over the years, given the wisdom of life's experiences and much learning, I have assembled my own psychological toolbox.
What To Do? Lifes Big Question
We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in our life when big changes were underway. Often, we find ourselves feeling panic and frozen in time, possibly with indecision, waiting and wondering: Which way to go?; How will things turn out? Sometimes, you just don't know what to do.
Do You Make These Common Mistakes When Talking to People?
Many moons ago. Talking to people was something I avoided where possible.
Finding a Mentor in the 21st Century
Traditionally, mentors volunteer the wisdom of their experiences to help others who wanted to follow in their footsteps. These days, many people have learned to appreciate the value of a good mentor.
Mid Life Crisis and the Great American Dream
One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great American Dream". Immigrants would uproot their families and leave their homeland in the hopes of experiencing the freedom and opportunity that awaits them in America.
Attention! Thought Crossing! - Or, The Secret of What's Between Your Ears
What are you thinking - right now? 'I'm reading your article!' you say. Well, take a little bit of a closer look.
Personal Strategic Planning
I have a few questions for you ---What if we as individuals adapted and utilized some of the same tried and true processes and methods that have given businesses the edge they need to succeed over their competition? My sense is that understood and implemented correctly professionals would be able to gain the same competitive advantage. Remarkably, this is not anything overly complicated or new and I can't take credit for developing it.
5 Minute Morning Balance Ritual
"3 Questions, 5 Minutes a Day: Make leaps towards greater balance in one single week with the Shicka Boom 5 Minute Morning Balance Ritual"By Laura Lallone, Certified Life CoachThis article is dedicated to a woman that I've never met and probably never will. Tall with dark, dark hair, she was perfectly manicured in a tailored suit with high-heeled pumps.
The Right Time and Place
(Channelled)Roy?I am sending you this quote from Sōtō Zen, Dōgen's Shōbōgenzō Zuimonki, please read it.Once someone advised Dōgen to go to Easter Japan if he wanted to see Buddhism prosper.
Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching
Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout. It is a reality show about a hair designer, Jonathan Antin who struggles to get his Beverly Hills salon up and running.
How to Create Your Ideal Life - Excerpt from Individual Power
When I lost it all, I felt powerless. During my darkest hours, I wrote letters to God asking "why?" I received answers in writing.
A Fresh Look at the Choices We Make
We are frequently held back from making future plans or reaching goals based on the perceived wrongness of choices we've made in the past. I want to give you something to think about.
The Right Coach
Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals?A friend of mine was recently at a Mark Victor Hansen and Robert Allen workshop. They were promoting their Enlightened Millionaire Program.
Permission To Have FUN
? Have you been working long hours? ? Have you been managing 10 (or more) tasks at once?? Are you combining several different personal and professional roles?99% of my clients are experts at managing lifestyles similar to those above and this issue is dedicated to all of you.Your reward for managing your lives so well is permission to have some FUN.
A Simple Strategy for Managing ADD
As an ADD Coach, I usually begin my conversations with new and potential clients by saying, "Tell me about yourself and why you're looking for coaching." Most people answer with a long list of their ADD challenges.
Unhook From The Perpetual Progress Grid
I have been a member of a group called the Women in BusinessConnection (WIBC for short) in Cambridge, MA for about fouryears. We get together for lunch meetings once a month.
How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer - Part B for Business!
My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years I have counseled thousands of personal trainers, fitness directors and gym owners on how be successful in the health and fitness industry.
Key Questions for a Coaching Conversation
There are 2 key skills that coaches need to be truly effective, the ability to listen (often for what is missing rather than what is said) and the ability to ask the right question at the right time.Now in reality there are no 'right' questions, there are however some very good, and fairly generic questions that when asked which can make a significant difference to the way in which a coaching interaction progresses.