Pecked to Death By Ducks

Ever been in a situation where it seems like minor criticisms are all you hear? Sure, there are things you could improve, you know that . . . but a constant peck, peck, peck of negative feedback sure doesn't motivate you to change! One of my mentors called this gradual chipping away at one's self esteem, "being pecked to death by ducks."

How to deal with it? There are ducks outside my window as I write . . . and I know that one sure way to make them go away, is to stop feeding them. Ducks need to eat a lot, and eat often, to keep going. If they can't get food from you, they'll try someplace else.

So . . . how can you make this work for your brand of "ducks"? What about figuring out what there is about you that's FEEDING them? For example, are you reacting to their pecks? (Psychologists tell us that some people use a negative approach to get the attention they crave.)

Are you working harder in response to their criticism? (When you do this, you are exhausting yourself and adding chocolate sauce to their dessert! The pecking won't end, I guarantee it.) I believe we feed our ducks when we take words of criticism home and brood. Most of us are programmed to take criticism much more seriously than we do praise, and many of us make almost a career out of taking criticism home to chew over . . . and over . . . and again.

When Duck A criticizes me for DOING x, I have a choice. Take it home and make it last . . . or look the criticism in the face. If it's fair and valid, I may decide to stop x-ing (it's my choice). In fact, Duck A may have done me a good turn -- and one way to keep this in mind is to say (over and over if necessary), "It's about what I DO, it's not who I BE."

A WORD ABOUT SYSTEMIC DUCK FEEDERS: Some organizations and groups encourage anonymous feedback, in the mistaken belief that this provides a safe environment for honest communication. WRONG! Anonymous feedback promotes dysfunctional systems . . . and dysfunctional systems are essentially "duck food silos." (I put a spin on an old mantra, "If you can't say it to his/her face, don't say it at all." Of course, sometimes we need help -- a mentor, an advocate, a companion, a safe structure. But whatever it takes, in healthy systems, constructive, behavior-focused criticism comes with a name attached, and if at all possible, is given face-to- face.)

Finally: HOW NOT TO BE A DUCK: Before YOU criticize, think clearly. Figure out what is really bugging you. And then speak directly to the person with whom you have a problem. Use 'I' statements (a skill unknown to ducks, as far as I know). Rehearse ahead of time to be sure you're focused on behavior (Do-ing), not Be-ing. A good rule is to ask yourself, "How would this sound if she (or he) were talking to ME?"

© Maureen Killoran, 2005

Maureen Killoran, MA, DMin, is a Life Coach with a passion for helping people connect their strengths with their vision. Maureen offers dynamic individual and group coaching, work team empowerment training, teleclasses, and a free monthly e-zine, "Seeds of Change." Watch for Maureen's forthcoming e-workbook, Spirit Tickling -- a selection of her absolutely best articles, with questions to lead you further on your path of personal growth. http://www.spiritquestcoaching.com

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Tips For Singles On Celebrating The New Year
It's four weeks away and you don't have any plans. Many of your friends will be away or out with their significant others.
What Rules!
There are things that we do automatically internally that we don't even realize are the things that make us who we are. Our own rules for living that we hardly ever question, and even less frequently examine.
12 Reasons to Develop Exceptional People Skills
Why should you bother to spend your valuable time learning how to develop exceptional people skills?Here's why..
Fear Is Nothing To Be Afraid Of!
What do you do when fear shows up? Do you hide under the covers of life, shivering as you anxiously wait for the moment to pass or do you stand up with a confident smile and embrace it?Your answer to this simple question will have a considerable impact on the level of freedom, excitement and empowerment you experience on a daily basis. Whatever your response, the thing to remember is that your fears are nothing to be afraid of!What is Fear?The Oxford dictionary defines fear as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the expectation of pain".
Listen To Me Lad Says Jack
Once upon a time, a very long time ago, when I was first starting out as an apprentice engineer, I was told to sit next to Jack.Jack was the longest serving Draughtsman in the organisation and he was one of the most lazy people I have ever met.
Are You Addicted To Your Activities?
Activities - such as sports, creative projects, reading, work, TV, meditation - can be a wonderful way to relax, express yourself, or connect to yourself. Or they can be an addiction.
Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee
One of the most distressing observations I have made among my social work colleagues, is the overwhelming proclivity on the part of many of us so-called helpers, to lack understanding and sensitivity to the position helpees are in when they agree to accept intervention.Many of us take "professionalism" out of context and become more of a burden to families than a helping resource.
How to Optimize the Awesome Power of Thoughts and Imagination
Have you encountered a time when you were in a traffic jam and was running late for an important meeting? Did you stay calmand focused? Or did your mind wander into the dark side ofthe impending consequences that may occur?If you're always picturing people getting mad at you and thinking of negative outcomes, then your body suffers as well. You may experience chest pains, anxiety disorders, indigestion, and other health problems.
So Why Are They Really Here?
It does make you wonder sometimes, doesn't it? You know the folks I'm talking about. The ones who seem to be wandering around in the middle of a fog bank.
How to Choose the Right Coach for You
So you want to hire a coach but with so many choices it's easy to feel overwhelmed. How do you find the coach that is right for you? It can seem like a daunting task so here are some guidelines to help you make the right decision for you.
Bringing Forgiveness Down To Earth
What does it mean to forgive?One of the first things we typically think when we hear the word "forgive" is that it is a spiritual concept that is mostly out of reach for us mortal human beings. The bible talks about it, pastors implore us to forgive, we might believe that it is something that we "should" do but for the most part, most of us find it very difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish.
Several Red Flags for Spotting a Phony or Scam
The world is full of phonies and scammers these days. They use various mediums such as phone solicitation, spam email, magazine and newspapers ads, TV infomercials, and plain old snail mail.
Friends?
I met my friend when we were in graduate school, and we enjoyed hanging out together outside of classes. After receiving our degrees, we both left school to live in different states.
Great Advice
It never ceases to amaze me that every time I give a speech, do a seminar, or talk with people one-on-one, I get inundated with questions seeking the almighty answers to all that ails them. However, when I press them to come up with an answer to their own situation, they usually respond by offering their own solution right back to me.
Grow Through It
It's past bedtime for most working men. It's not unbearably late and I have no appointments tomorrow morning so I sit here and contemplate.
Forget Resolutions - Craft A Life Theme That Works
How many people do you know who, in January, enthusiastically name their resolution for the year yet somehow neglect to follow through with it a few weeks or months later? Forget making New Year's resolutions. They rarely work because they are often based on "shoulds" versus the bigger picture of your life.
Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don't Talk ?Listen
Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference she was planning to attend with her husband, a veterinarian. She has no background in veterinary science, so she did not think she would be able to effectively communicate with the people at the conference.
Executive Coaching -The Business Benefits
Executive coaching is an investment for you and your business and you need to understand what returns you will get. How exactly will you benefit from it?On a practical level, much executive coaching nowadays is carried out by phone, so there is no time wasted in travelling to meetings.
The Self Development Tool Box
Do you have a self-development toolbox? Do you have a standard set of instruments or mechanisms that you use to delve into your inner self? Just asking yourself those questions makes you think, doesn't it? That is because questioning is the most powerful tool in your self-development toolbox. When we start on the self-development path it is usually because we have asked ourselves a question: who am I, what is it I want, why am I in this position, when can I change, where will this happen and how can I make it happen? Questions can be about us or about others and are used as identifiers.
Mentors and Coaches: How to Find a Great Mentor
A career coach or mentor is a person who can guide you with the benefit of their experience. He or she may be someone more senior from within your organisation or someone external to your organisation who has been successful in the field or skills you want to develop.