A Perrverse Confidante

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 15, 2002

Dad passed away years ago and Mom lives alone. She is still young and healthy, yet she always plays the victim. I am in my 30s and divorced.

Our relationship has always been based on a maternal dictatorship. Even as an adult daughter I cannot approach my mother because her idea of advice is an order. Since she makes life miserable, I withhold my personal life from her to the point of lying.

I met a wonderful man who lives out of town, and we have been cultivating a terrifically close relationship. Mom met him once, but only to the point of saying hello. Because I find sneaking around emotionally draining, I phoned Mom and confessed.

The reaction to this news was exactly as expected. Mom called me a tramp, a useless stupid person, and a terrible daughter not worthy of living. She suggested I get an operation on my eyes so I could see this man as the bum that he is.

Neither my friends nor I see what she is implying. He is well-versed, well- educated, with a great job and strong morals. Mom said if I continue with this man she is writing me out of her will. Our conversation ended with her hanging up after telling me to have a nice life.

Because I know deep down she means well, I am torn by her reaction. I feel guilty for hurting her, yet I am hesitant to put my life on hold because she does not approve of a man based on a 30 second conversation. Why do I feel like I am a terrible daughter? Her reaction puts a damper on an extremely exciting and happy time in my life. I am faced with a choice between two people I love dearly. Am I being selfish?

Irene

Irene, you feel like a terrible daughter because your mother trained you to feel that way. Your news didn't hurt her. She lashed out because she doesn't want you to have an independent life.

This man must make an excellent first impression because in 30 seconds your mother realized he would never tolerate her abuse. She also recognized he would never allow a woman he loved to be treated the way your mother treats you.

Everyone with a satisfying life makes one important discovery. There is a direction and flow to life, and that direction is toward growth, realization, and fulfillment. Without those things it is not possible to be happy.

In the Greek myth of the Procrustean bed, people too short were painfully stretched until they fit the bed, while those too long had excess parts cut off. Your mother wants you to lie on her Procrustean bed. It's time to ask yourself, What is the true nature of maternal love?

Wayne & Tamara

Out Of Tune

I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him.

Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings?

Daryn

Daryn, not every piece of music moves every person. Not everyone likes Shakespeare, and we don't all have the same favorite color. This man may have a beautiful melody, but it is for someone else's ears.

Be sweet, nice and complimentary to his personality, but be absolutely sure to let him know the relationship is not going to go where he wants. Don't go anywhere near "let's be friends." He will feel you are leaving an opening for him eventually. That's cruel. Clear is less hurtful than nice, for both parties.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Viewpoints - Communication Destruction Or....
Viewpoints! Everyone has them and they are personal. However, when you believe that only your view is correct, you shut out other people and do not listen to the facts they are giving.
Think Twice Before Youre Nice
A few months back I had a disturbing dream. In my dream a woman with stringy blonde hair rang my bell.
Make Progress Now: Take the Hand Brakes Off Your Life!
Do you find yourself striving upward in life yet making little or no progress?Are you high on activity but low on achievement?Very clearly, it's time to stop, look and listen.You're obviously not doing something right.
Coaching: The Art of Putting Yourself In Somone Elses Shoes
COACHING STEPS: The following are five (5) steps a coach can take to change behavior and performance. The goal of this process is to create the context for the person being coached towards one in which excellence becomes the norm.
Life Coach, Counsellor, or Therapist; - How do I choose?
Life coaching has become fashionable in recent years and there seems to be a big demand for what they offer. Counselling and many forms of therapy are also on offer, these may have been around for many years and have advantages to offer clients.
Are YOU a Dreamer?
This morning I watched a news article about a young woman who had just set a world record for sailing across the English Channel. What was special about this Channel crossing? The sailor, Hilary Lister, is a quadriplegic who steered the boat by blowing through two straws.
Do You Make Less Money Than Your Taller Peers?
A recent study at the University of Florida found that over the span of their careers short people earn less money than their taller counterparts. In terms of cold hard cash, each extra inch in height equals roughly $800 difference in annual pay.
3 Secrets to Developing Superior People Skills
1. If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your ApproachWhen I was in school I always had a small group of close friends but I never found it easy meeting new people.
Coaching Skills for Peers: Extending Influence
Many people think of coaching solely as a management technique. Although coaching skills provide managers with the means to get business results while creating solid relationships, the value of coaching in other arenas is often overlooked.
How to Give Yourself a Check Up From the Neck Up
When was the last time you did some dedicated physical exercise?Many people have realised that our busy and stressful lives need some balance. They are flocking in droves to gymnasiums all over the country.
Buyer Beware: Choose A Business Coach Carefully To Get The Results You Want
Consider this scenario. A colleague suggests you get a business coach.
Becoming An Information Filter And A Knowledge Sponge
As the title states, "Become an Information Filter and a Knowledge Sponge." On your daily journey to achieve your WHY, you will travel through many different avenues and sometimes you will ask yourself, "Why do I need to meet this person or experience this situation?" The key is to truly understand that you must become an information filter and use your personal God-given filters -- your eyes and your ears.
New Definition of Retirement
A new definition of retirement is evolving. It's one that's focused on continual exploration, learning and growth.
Masterminding Success - How to Start a Masterminding Meeting?
Masterminding is about a group of like-minded, achievement-oriented individuals who come together to combine the power of several minds to tackle problems, seek advice and perspectives in achieving their goals.Before the meeting proper begins, get into your group of like-minded individuals and before any masterminding can happen, read out loud together the 9 rules so as to instill the proper atmosphere needed for creativity.
How Not Letting Go of Your Past can Hurt Your Future
Experiences, whether good or bad, are sometimes all wehave, and most of them reside in the past. So you may ask,why should I let go of my past when much of it is filledwith beautiful memories and serenity?Well, that is certainly not what I mean.
Tips for Writing Great Coaching E-Books
Never understimate the power of a well-written word. Tens of thousands of readers of coaching ebooks have had their lives changed for the better by a well written ebook.
What Can Be Changed In Management To Improve Bottom Line Results?
If you don't have the full support and understanding of key management positions, any organizational changes being made are going to be thwart with difficulties. It is up to CEOs and Presidents to champion the cause and ensure their managerial teams are also in full support, so that it can filter down through the ranks more smoothly.
Five Steps to Vocational Passion: A Disciplined Plan for Major Mid-life Changes
There's a famous song lyric that asks: "Is that all there is?" Every seven seconds, an American turns 50 years old. So there's a good chance that song is running through some of their heads.
Executive Coaching
The higher you climb the ladder in this organization, the less chance you have of getting feedback about your performance. The working rule of thumb is "the farther up you go, the stranger things get," especially in the way you are reviewed and rewarded.
If I Only Had a Heart
I know you probably have heard of the movie, "The Wizard of Oz" right? Well, for those of you, who have somehow managed to miss this movie, let me give you a brief description of it.A young lady named Dorothy is upset with her home life and decides to run away.