Let Go of Your Past

People have a difficult time letting go of the past because they are held back by unfinished business. They may regret choices they have made or feel guilty about past actions. As long as guilt and regret are not resolved, it is difficult to move forward.

The Regret Epidemic

Regret is an emotion that feels similar to depression or sadness. It also feels like guilt, but it isn't the same thing. Sometimes a wave of regret seems to come out of nowhere. You might become aware of it when you lose something or someone, or when you meet someone from your past. It is a common feeling in our culture for several reasons.

1. We have too many choices. Since we have so many options, there are many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn't take.Example: When Linda was a senior at a major university, she interviewed with over 30 companies on campus. She was offered jobs in five different cities and had a difficult time choosing. In the end, she moved to Los Angeles and began an executive training program in a large company. A few years later, she began to wonder whether she had made the wrong choice. She thought she might have been better off in Kansas City, which had been her second choice. The regret leaves her feeling stuck and dissatisfied.

2. Endless possibilities. Another factor causing many of us to feel regret is that in the American culture, there is a belief that life has no limits. Our culture has an insatiable appetite for new experiences, adventure, and newness. When faced with the reality that certain things will not work out or change, we find it hard to accept.Example: Karen has turned 45. She has never married and has no children. She has always believed that "There is always tomorrow" and "I have plenty of time to make my mark." But now, realizing that she may never be a mother and probably won't be the CEO of her company, she is feeling like life has passed her by.

3. No rules. Along with all of these options, our lives have become confusing because there are few guidelines for what choices we should make.

Example: Most women who have children struggle with the choices of what role employment should play in their lives, and many women feel like they made the wrong choice. Options include staying home with the children, working full-time at a demanding profession, or choosing a less demanding or part-time job.

Example: Many people feel compelled to continue on the ladder of success as long as they are being rewarded for it. When work becomes demanding and is no longer fun, it is hard to turn down promotions and pay increases in favor of less demanding, more satisfying work. People feel locked in to their career tracks and don't know how to get off the treadmill.

4. We value self-sufficiency. Our American culture has always valued independence. Somehow, we all get the message that it is better if we achieve our goals on our own, without the help of anyone else. The problem is that when we cannot accept support from others, we become isolated. Living a completely self-sufficient life violates the basic human need for affiliation.

Example: Matt's mother, Sarah, is 75. She is a widow and lives alone in an apartment in New York City. Matt left New York after finishing college and now lives in Florida. Sarah's friends are gradually moving to Florida, too. Matt has urged Sarah to move to a nearby condominium, and has even taken her to see a few of them. She resists, saying that she doesn't want to be a burden.

Meanwhile, Sarah is becoming increasingly isolated and depressed. She sits in her New York apartment and remembers the sunny condo she saw in Miami a few years back. She is filled with regret but won't change her mind. She feels like she has no choice but to remain independent and self-sufficient.

5. Instant gratification. Many people escape the pressures of daily life through drugs and alcohol. There are messages everywhere suggesting that we use alcohol and drugs to relax, escape, have fun, and be sexy. When this becomes a lifestyle, it often results in consequences that one can only regret: drunk driving, accidents, death and injury, relationship probles, poor attendance at work, or being fired.

6. Constant comparisons. When we compare our lives with others, it's easy to feel regret. Most of us expect ourselves to have it all together. We learn to act as if we are in control and compare ourselves with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and the characters on television. When we don't look as good as they do, we feel like failures. We have a list of "shoulds" inside our heads-things we expect ourselves to be able to do.

Guilt

Guilt is usually the result of aggressive acts, wishes, and thoughts. It usually results from violating a rule-either our own or someone else's.What to Do about Unfinished BusinessIf you want to move past the things in the past that are keeping you stuck-your unfinished business-you will need to acknowledge them and tell the truth about them. You don't necessarily have to take any action; sometimes just writing or talking about it is enough to lessen its impact. You can write about it in a private journal or talk about it with a trusted friend or counselor. Here are some places to look for your unfinished business:

1. Risks I should have taken

2. People I treated badly

3. People who treated me badly

4. Something I did to someone

5. Not doing something I should have done

6. Messes I need to clean up (literally and metaphorically)

7. Things I should throw away

8. Things I want to buy for my home

9. Things I want to buy for myself

10. Things I need but haven't allowed myself to have

11. Projects I've started but have not finished

12. Projects I want to start

13. Things I want to change

14. Things I want to stop doing

15. Things I want to be

16. Things I want to have

17. Experiences I want to have

18. Things I want to say

19. Feelings I have not expressed

20. Secrets I don't want to keep any longer

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. Garrett also offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

Business Career Executive Coaching Article -Motivator, Discipline and Desire
"There is a certain combination of desire and discipline in the way I work. Discipline by itself simply is not enough in the creative process.
Do You Make These Common Mistakes When Talking to People?
Many moons ago. Talking to people was something I avoided where possible.
Cause and Effect! Choose a Path
Three steps to your Personal Transformation:Awareness and PerceptionLaw of Cause and EffectLaw of AccumulationThese categories are what you need to understand in order to be in total control of your being!Most go through life never reaching their potential because they never take control of all their faculties or abilities.This information is designed to help you gain complete control of your life!So lets get into it1) Awareness and perception.
What Rules!
There are things that we do automatically internally that we don't even realize are the things that make us who we are. Our own rules for living that we hardly ever question, and even less frequently examine.
A Visualization Exercise on Managing Expectations for Adults with ADD
As adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), we often find ourselves excited by new ideas and plans, but overwhelmed by what it will take to reach the goals.Many of my coaching clients find themselves in this situation.
Ten Benefits of Having a Relationship Coach
As a Master Certified Relationship Coach, I work with singles to help them attract a great match and with couples to help put their relationships back on track. I hear great feedback from my clients about the value of coaching.
Sorry Dr Maslow, I Think You Got It Wrong
In the 1950s Abraham Maslow published a book entitled " Motivation and Personality" in which he outlided his now famous Hierarchy of Needs. Over the years since its publication Maslow's work has gained wide acceptance as a tool in understanding human motivation.
Mid Life Crisis, Life Transitions, & Ontological Coaching
Recently I have been watching a TV show called Blowout. It is a reality show about a hair designer, Jonathan Antin who struggles to get his Beverly Hills salon up and running.
What To Do? Lifes Big Question
We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in our life when big changes were underway. Often, we find ourselves feeling panic and frozen in time, possibly with indecision, waiting and wondering: Which way to go?; How will things turn out? Sometimes, you just don't know what to do.
Whats in it for me if I Hire A Coach?
1. An unshakable foundation:Create and build your life from the ground up.
Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable.
The Non-Conscious Mind at Work. Harness it for Your Success
Thoughts are real things. As soon as you realize how to control your thoughts you are on your way to making vast changes in your daily success.
Could You and Your Business Benefit from a Business Coach or a Consultant?
The surprising answer is "probably". Most individuals don't realize that a certified business coach or business consultant can add enormously to their home based or more traditional type business.
How to Save Yourself from Negative Influences
Watching the news can be hazardous to your health.It's a fact, especially when you're watching events related to terrorism, kidnapping, murder, accidents, or calamities.
Whats Up With All These Coaches?
If you are anything like me, you may have noticed a tremendous increase in the number of coaches that have appeared recently. Traditionally, coaches existed primarily in the world of sports, but you could also find voice, acting and singing coaches.
Skills for Change
The name of the game is CHANGE -- that's true at work, and it's also true in life. In both situations there are FOUR skills you can trust:1.
Top Ten Things You Would Never Hear a Coach Say (or then again?!)
When coaching, it's all about the client, be that as a professional coach, or a line manager/business owner using coaching skills in their own business, with their own people. But it's so easy sometimes to turn the tables and be the client.
Avoid the Tendency to Underestimate Your Greatness
As a whole I think there is a sad tendency in most of us to underestimate just how powerful we are. Just how much greatness lies inside each and every one of us - just waiting to get out.
Think, Pause & Talk
There are two kinds of peoples we generally face in every walk of life1] who talks negative and excessive and2] who talks whenever required or talks right and right time.But in reality we get attracted towards person who talks negative and excessive, it gives us fun and tax-free entertainment and we get fascinated and influenced by such activities.
The Tolerance Effect
While working with a client several months ago, we went through a process of identifying areas of personal strengths and weaknesses. Through this exercise, we discussed various characteristics and ended up deciding that there was opportunity for improvement in her level of "tolerance".