Ch-Ch-Chain of Hearts: Cranking Up Compassion

Can you hear your compassion? It's time to crank it up.

One of the most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compassionate is dealing with conflict. Those we love most tend to be the ones most likely to engage us in sparring that cuts the deepest.

Why do we allow ourselves to use our harshest words and most acid tone of voice with the people we love most?

Precisely because we love them most. We're counting on unconditional love. We know we are likely to be forgiven. We feel close enough to let our true ugliness shine.

Blindingly.

We wouldn't dream of lashing out at our colleagues at work in this way. That would be way too risky. Instead, we bottle our daily frustration and dump it all over our loved ones when we get home.

Many of my clients struggle with showing compassion for their partners, children and parents when they are feeling stressed. Instead of relaxing into affection, they respond to requests or confrontation with anger.

Most frustrating of all is the fact that, while they are lashing out, they recognize that they are alienating those with whom they most want to feel a connection and find comfort. It's as though they are watching themselves lob grenades but are powerless to stop.

One of the best--and easiest to remember--triggers for changing behavior is thinking of a particular song phrase. I teach clients to use the "ch-ch-chain" part of Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" to kick off a remarkably simple visualization exercise that is very effective in diffusing escalating conflict. It's based on a traditional loving-kindness meditation, but it's a lot more fun!

Visualize a chain of hearts--an extended valentine, if you will--connecting your heart to theirs. Remember that you are linked by this shared affection.

In our best moments, we do whatever we can to protect our loved ones from pain. If this person had an injury or illness, you would be gentle, soothing and kind, right? You've probably spent hours caring for this individual with great tenderness.

Tap into that.

Look at the chain of hearts. Your sharp words slash through that chain like a machete. STOP. Let the words drop away as you focus on that connection. Feel your anger and frustration being replaced by compassion.

"Ch-ch-chay-ay-ay-ay-ain...." It's hard to stay cranky while mentally chanting the "ch-ch-chain" mantra and visualizing that valentine.

Can't feel the love? Try another Aretha Franklin song. Instead of focusing on that ch-ch-chain of hearts, dive into "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" and replace that poison in your words with civility.

Not into Aretha? Pick your own song. Let your mental radio play, and use it to crank up your compassion.

[Bah-oomp] Makes me feel like A Natural Woman...

About The Author

Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse offering specialized mindfulness training in Portland, Oregon. Her work has inspired thinkers in over 90 countries. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, visit http://mindmasseuse.com.

maya@mindmasseuse.com

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

A Sure-Fire, 10-Step Formula To Get Started As A Coach Or Consultant
"My guess is first I'll need some zippy flyers and a tri-fold brochure" said an email from Matt last week. Sadly, he is not the only one thinking that the first step to building a professional business is printing fliers and brochures.
Curse of Competence: How Being Good gets in the way of Becoming Great
Just before the storms hit last winter, my father-in-law and I replaced 26 feet of fence on my property. I must say, for a couple of non-handyman-sorts like the two of us, it is a very well done fence.
3 Easy Steps to Low Stress Communication
Life is all about choices. And so is the way you communicate.
Personal Core Values: Your Key to Success and Happiness
Each of us has our own set of personal values; these are the things which we believe are important, which motivate us and to which we give priority. If I asked you what your personal values are, the chances are that you would struggle to find the answer.
Stay Connected To WHY You Are Doing Things
"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." Richard BachThis quote was shared with me by a fellow coach & colleague.
The Best Things in Life Are Rarely Things
Have you ever noticed this to be true?The best things in life for me are those things are not things at all. People and experiences make the biggest mark: a wonderful relationship, time with family, or a fantastic vacation that stays in my mind for years.
Skills for Change
The name of the game is CHANGE -- that's true at work, and it's also true in life. In both situations there are FOUR skills you can trust:1.
Successful Implementation of Company Wide Coaching Programmes
Ten years ago I was fortunate enough to be heavily involved in the implementation of a company wide coaching programme, both as an employee who was to receive coaching but also as a manager and coach who was expected to regular coach my reports and my peers to enable them to achieve their objectives. I say, fortunate enough, because I found that when I was coached effectively I became really motivated and focused, and when I finally became a proficient coach, I again found it motivational in that I was able to support and enable my direct reports to achieve more.
Sometimes, It Just Takes ONE Conversation to Change Your Life!
I was thinking this morning about the importance of the profession that I am in. Besides doing various trainings, workshops and consulting, I also coach people.
What Rules!
There are things that we do automatically internally that we don't even realize are the things that make us who we are. Our own rules for living that we hardly ever question, and even less frequently examine.
Are You Too Critical?
First of all, criticalness breaks up more relationships, than anything else. And that criticalness is usually over the children or money!Criticalness can be seen in eyes that slant down.
The Biggest Loser
I am a "Loser". You're gonna learn from this writing today the reason why you too must be a "Loser".
One BIG Way To Increase Your Values and Self-Esteem
One hour here, two hours there, even fifteen minutes, it alladds up, and quickly too. Television is toxic to our self-esteem.
Guilt: Is it Getting in the Way of Your Self-Care?
When Do We Usually Feel Guilty? When:We're not feeling ok about who we are.We're not feeling ok about the choices we're making.
Secrets of Creating Interpersonal Power
If you work with people, as a company owner, manager and team leader or on the customer interface, your impact on others is your most important asset! Someone creating 'Interpersonal Power', as I see it, has the ability to inspire, motivate and facilitate outstanding action in another.In 1996 I won the Olympic Games in Atlanta, GA, in Whitewater Slalom.
The Benefits of Coaching
When I was first introduced to the profession of personal coaching, my first initial thought was that it sounded exactly like something I would love to pursue. I did further investigation into the profession and before I knew it I was happily enrolled in the Coach Training Program offered through Coach U University in Colorado, USA.
What Does It Take To Have It All In Life?
Many people have asked me why I wrote my book, 'The Street Kid's Guide to Having it All', and I realized that some people simply do not believe that it is possible to 'have it all'. Well, I am here as an ambassador to dispel that rumor once and for all.
How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer - Part A for Attitude!
My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years I have counseled thousands of personal trainers, fitness directors and gym owners on how be successful in the health and fitness industry.
The Art of Change
We don't change. I imagine such a statement could find a lot of opinionated opposition if it implied a lack of growth, whether that be on a knowledgeable level, a logical or spiritual one, but in this case we refer to ourselves and who we are in relation to who we were when we decided to grace this world with our presence.
How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer - Part B for Business!
My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years I have counseled thousands of personal trainers, fitness directors and gym owners on how be successful in the health and fitness industry.