Fear of Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection - of losing the other person, and the fear of engulfment - of being invaded, of being controlled and losing oneself.

Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors - from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because a person doesn't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret of moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful loving adult part of us that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When we learn how to take personal responsibility for defining our own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for our feelings of worth, we will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that we will like rejection - it means we will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When we learn how to speak up for ourselves and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control us, we will no longer fear losing ourselves in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

The Inner Bonding process we teach is a process designed to create a powerful inner adult self capable of not taking rejection personally and of setting limits against loss of self. Anyone can learn this six-step process and, with practice, heal fears of intimacy. Through practicing the Inner Bonding process, you learn to value and cherish who you really are and take full responsibility for your own feelings of worth, lovability, safety, security, pain and joy. When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another's feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

You can start to learn the powerful Inner Bonding process now by downloading our Free Inner Bonding Course. Moving beyond your fears of intimacy will open you to the deep personal and spiritual growth that relationships can provide and the profound fulfillment and joy that loving relationships can offer.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

The Real Truth About Working Smarter, Not Harder
Running a business or department can often stretch you to the limit.To be effective at doing what you do best, it's imperative to look at what tasks you can either delegate or outsource.
You Can Get There From Here
But first you've got to raise your standards.I know at some point you had big dreams.
Transitions: Moving Through Change With Grace
MOVING THROUGH CHANGECreating any major change in our lives can also create feelings of discomfort. Tiredness, confusion, and uncertainty are among the many emotions that can be experienced.
4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted
No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will try to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do even more.
Tips For Singles On Celebrating The New Year
It's four weeks away and you don't have any plans. Many of your friends will be away or out with their significant others.
3 Tips for a Great Summer - Developing Life & Business While Having a Blast
As the last day of school arrives I feel the same tendency I had as a child..
Live Healthy - Six Steps To A Healthy Life
Six steps we can take to reduce our risks for heart disease There are certain steps that we can take to reduce our risks of ever getting heart disease and having a heart attack.For people like me who already have heart disease we can only do two things.
Finding a Mentor in the 21st Century
Traditionally, mentors volunteer the wisdom of their experiences to help others who wanted to follow in their footsteps. These days, many people have learned to appreciate the value of a good mentor.
Executive Coaching -The Business Benefits
Executive coaching is an investment for you and your business and you need to understand what returns you will get. How exactly will you benefit from it?On a practical level, much executive coaching nowadays is carried out by phone, so there is no time wasted in travelling to meetings.
How to Quickly and Easily Deal With Rude People
Where I live there seems to be a a growing population of rude and vulgar people. And no matter how hard I wish for things to change it is not going to happen.
Should I Get A Coach?
Why should or would someone hire a life coach? Well, why would anyone purchase the services of a personal trainer, and interior designer or a sports coach - any professional "assistant" for that matter? After all, we all know how to exercise, how to hang a curtain and how to play our own game. But we hire a professional because we know that they will hold us accountable on our goals and objectives - and since we're paying good money for them to be there, often whether we show up or not, we have an added incentive to do so ourselves.
Secrets of Creating Interpersonal Power
If you work with people, as a company owner, manager and team leader or on the customer interface, your impact on others is your most important asset! Someone creating 'Interpersonal Power', as I see it, has the ability to inspire, motivate and facilitate outstanding action in another.In 1996 I won the Olympic Games in Atlanta, GA, in Whitewater Slalom.
Are You Invisible?
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own.
The Power of Effective Coaching Skills
The most valuable assets of a 20th century company were its production equipment. The most valuable assets of a 21st century organization ? will be its knowledge, workers and their productivity.
How to be Your Authentic Self
Most of us play many different roles in the course of any given day. We could be Mom, Boss, Employee, Student or Friend, to name just a few.
Help! I Need to Make a Decision!
Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my clients master this skill.
3 Secrets to Developing Superior People Skills
1. If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your ApproachWhen I was in school I always had a small group of close friends but I never found it easy meeting new people.
Integrating Life and Work
Organizations are finally creating cultures that support a work and life balance for their employees. After years of demanding high productivity and increasing on the job hours and expectations and not achieving the hoped-for better results, companies are finally embracing polices and procedures that support employees in integrating their life and work experience.
4 Steps to Successful Goal-Setting
Successful people have always had clear, focused goals that guide them to greatness.It took Thomas Edison thousands of attempts and thousands of failures over many years to invent the electric light bulb, but he new exactly what he wanted, and his goal kept him going until he achieved it The rest, as they say, is history.
Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?
How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, "You've got to lose weight," or "You should get up earlier every morning and exercise," or "Today I should get caught up on the bills," or "I've got to get rid of this clutter." Let's explore what happens in response to this voice.